There has been so much since the beginning of last year...
COVID, coming out, moving, getting married, cousins suffering and friends dying from COVID -- and did I mention COVID...?
2020 has brought many 'dark gifts' on everyone's doorstep. Though I imagine many are reading this and questioning,
"What GIFTS?"
"Dark gifts?"
"What are you talking about -- I'm ready for this to be over!"
So am I. So am I. But hear me out when I mention 'dark gifts'. Despite the chaos and the division and the confusion and heartache... There is still a lot to be grateful for. One being, the dark gifts.
Dark gifts are what are referred to (in many Pagan circles) when something goes amiss, yet there is a lesson to be gained. Or, something of value.
For me, I consider myself blessed. A friendship in 2019 buttered into a relationship by the end of the year. Quarantine, though irritating and frustrating, gifted my partner and I with time. We could have been separated throughout quarantine. Instead, our time together has been a blessing in disguise. And later, earlier this past February, we sealed it in a document, now planning for a private ceremony over Zoom in the upcoming months.
Another 'gift' has been the space to sort out a question I've been struggling with for most of my life. In previous years, I felt comfortable enough to explore my birth-gender, the roles it plays, and the gender that I'm called 'home' to. I've always felt home among the LGBTQIA+ community. And for recent years, trying out pronouns and genders were like trying on an expensive hat. I understood I was on a spectrum (this also includes the aromantic spectrum, which I still find sanctuary in). And until 2021, I felt more at peace with 'girlflux' and 'bi-gender'. I still relate to the two, though non-binary is what has been my constant. I found my pronouns hadn't much changed -- I'm femme-presenting most days. But it would have still been an ongoing battle had it not been for the time away from people. Sure, it still would have come up eventually, but not as quick and sure as it came.
It is worth to note: not everyone has had good things come despite of a global pandemic. And not everything has been all fun and happy days. I've nearly lost family members to the virus. I've lost friends to it. I've lost people whom I would never meet, yet wished to. Anxiety has been encouraged by these current events. Am I to lose more people? What if I bring it home? If someone I deeply care for gets it, is it MY fault for spreading it? How the hell would I cope with survivor's guilt if someone I love dies because I accidentally bring it home???
It is difficult to shut up that hamster in your head; the one that tries to convince you how much of a failure you are because of 'x, y, z. ' And it is not just because of the pandemic. Many of us suffer from anxiety and depression. This is a constant battle we keep from the rest of the world. It's just only now when the world has lowered the stoic face, we see everyone's anxiety skyrocket. Now everyone gets to be bossed around by that awful little hamster.
And so we receive our dark gifts. Maybe your anxiety is a motivation to get more done, for fear of a trait you feel yourself lacking in. Or, fear of moving to a different state or country (in the middle of said-pandemic) causes you to appreciate all the little things you leave behind, the good and the bad. Perhaps getting laid off makes you feel undervalued, unappreciated, and replaceable... Yet there is more time to focus on your health, or perhaps not. Maybe the world should just go up in flames.
But there is always, always something of value we exchange for that gods-awful setback. I've come to know many writers who've become authors during this past year-and-some-change during the pandemic. Couples, like myself and my partner, have grown close and have enjoyed time shared with each other. Some have lost a family member or a friend, only to be reunited with someone who knew someone.
And there are those, may good come to them, who still have anything positive enter their lives. A friend of mine lost an adult child. Not to the virus, but from a rivaling altercation. My mom had been in a nasty car accident. Survived, but still struggling for retribution. There are small things, but not much to feel thankful for. They fight for justice. I have little words to describe how I feel when comrades are struggling, and in turn, are struggling to keep the faith in themselves. My friend and my mom are strong. So are you; you are strong.
It may not feel like much. You may hate me. You may hate others. It's not my place to validate any of that. But you do. You have control over validating what becomes a 'gift' and what does not. Because none of us have much control right now.
So here is a 'dark gift' for you:
If you read this, and you like it, you can relate... Do with it as you will. Comment with your story and what your blessings are. What has helped you keep the faith in your own struggles through these current events? What are some good things that have shown themselves to you. Have you found your own personal dark gift?
If you read this, and you hate it, you can't relate... Again, do as you will. Hit the [x] button at the top corner. Take control of the current situation, whatever you are feeling, and surf for something that brings out the dreamer in you. Even if it is just a pipe dream. It's your pipe dream. Allow yourself some credit. Allow yourself some control.
Keep your blessings. Keep the faith. Dare to dream.
See you all again tomorrow. (I will be posting more regularly now. Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Possibly Fridays.)
Until we meet again,
L.Arden
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